"Before I came here, I had a career, I had friends, I had clothing that fit... I was ok.""God has brought you here. Take the hint."
(Movie quote, can't remember which one.)
Today I received some words of encouragement from a good friend (thanks, Lisa) who reminded me about writing in this blog. So I thought, "that's a great idea, it's been a while, I think." I was shocked to find just how long it's been.
I've been thinking about perspective, and focus. When I focus on what has changed, it feels overwhelming sometimes: having to quit school, giving up work, moving to an adult care home, physical changes, mental challenges, social interactions. It's huge, and for a while i felt so lost. Hospitalized June of last year, and then the shock of being diagnosed with SCA in August. The course of applying for disability, and arranging for a living situation. Facing the reality of having a condition that is progressive and debilitating. It was a great relief, though, at the same time. Finally, an explanation for all of the struggles of the past few years. The extreme fatigue, the muscle weakness, balance, coordination, and, especially, the cognitive changes. It has a name, and the name is not failure.
And now, after a few months, I am learning to see it all differently. Nothing important has changed: I still have my life; it's just slower. The part of my life where I hurried from one place, one person, one task, to the next is over. Today I drink my morning coffee in my chair by the window where I can watch the birds at the feeder, and I take time to notice them. I watch the progress of spring: buds on the trees growing larger and rounder, ready to pop any day. The squirrel, hanging from the eaves, grabbing the feeder but unable to reach the food. (Now he sits on the fence and ponders new strategy, and I cheer him on!) Soon it will be warm enough to have coffee on the deck.
So. God has brought me here. I get it.
