Let's tackle the small stuff first. It has become more and more difficult to complete even daily tasks, such as ADL's, even bare minimum housekeeping, getting ready to go out, working art projects, taking photos, remembering to schedule rides, tracking time, organizing the clutter in my room. Sensitivity to light and noise is becoming worse. Patience is a real problem. I feel anxious most of the time, and impulsivity causes problems for myself and others. Reading gets harder and harder. Only a few games on my iPad and videos without commercials help to distract me from perseverative thinking. This is true even when I am with people, at times. My ability to filter incoming stuff is declining rather quickly now. Even small decisions seem way too hard: should I have another cup of coffee? What should I wear? Where should I put things? What music should I listen to? And the big decisions are impossible. I need someone to help me now with almost every decision I make, and when I'm too embarrassed to ask for help, they just don't get made. I wait and wait. And then apologize for making them too late.
And as for the big picture. I am almost constantly aware that the time is approaching when I will need to decide how much longer I want to live. I do not want to progress to the point where I am totally dependent on others. Is that wrong? I don't think so. Maybe the better question is whether or not it is wrong for me, and I can answer that question with a hearty "NO".
Firstly, I will not burden anyone with my physical care; because of my size, it could even cause injury to other people, especially when I become even more unable to control my behavior. I have seen first hand how difficult it is to care for someone with advanced dementia, esp when complicated medical/physical challenges are present. The decisions that have to be made then are a real burden on whoever is responsible for the care. And the people making them may not have the skill, the ability, the resources, or even the desire to respond to the needs that come along with multiple diagnoses and needs. The older the person gets, the more complicated it will become.
And then there are the financial considerations. Because I can no longer work, I live on SS Disability Insurance. I also have Medicaid for medical needs. Believe it or not, not everyone who receives Medicaid is oblivious that SOMEONE has to pay for this care. (I am acutely aware of this, to the point where I have attempted to discontinue an expensive medication, only to find that progression became more rapid without it.) Why then should I be forced to progress to the point where total care is required, along with repeated hospitalizations as I age? And then there's the grim reality that the care for Medicaid is substandard. As dementia increases I will have no power to object if I don't want a particular treatment or procedure, or to fight for better care if I want it.
Because I am in a care home, all of my disability except for 150.00 per month goes to the home. Out of that amount I pay for supplies for my pets when I can, personal items such as shampoo and bath soap, and supplies to make coffee in my room. It doesn't leave much for items such as gifts, clothing, outings with friends or family, etc. So many times, I don't go, or I try to accept graciously when they offer to pay. But I can only do that so many times before I start to feel ashamed.
And now on to the philosophical side of the situation. I know that some people will be adamantly opposed to my opting for an early death. I wish I could somehow help these folks to understand that I take the obligation to be responsible for my life and death very seriously! And, respectfully, I believe it is my right to make these important decisions. It really amazes me how so many folks think they have the right to judge people who want the power to decide how their final days will go. Religion is part of it, sometimes. But I truly resent the fact that even here in Oregon, as long as my body isn't plagued with an illness that would leave me six months or less to live, it is illegal for my physician to provide me with the medication to bring about my death when I feel that I can no longer stand the losses of this devastating disorder. There is now compassion for those in physical suffering, but not for folks like me. And it amazes me that people who have not experienced this process can use their votes to make this decision for me and my physician. And many times it is these same people who complain about "entitlements". Never mind that I paid taxes all my life to pay into a system that will care for the people who can no longer care for themselves, and was happy to do so. That was exactly what I wanted my tax dollars to do. Now, do some people take advantage of the system? Yes. Do I? No. So people, please think carefully before judging me. Or better yet? Don't judge me at all.
Well. Enough for today.